Colton Pickins's Police Report
- Hillfolk Hotdogs: The holotape is on the table next to the cop hat.
Officer Walton: This is Deputy D.B. Walton. Interview started at 3:35AM. All right, Mr. Pickins. Tell me everything that happened by starting from the beginning.
Colton Pickins: I was out behind my hotdog stand taking out the trash when I saw a light shining from the woods. At first I thought it was a hunter with a flashlight, but then the light started... changing.
Officer Walton: Changing? How?
Colton Pickins: Well, the light started turning different colors. First it was blue, then green, then red, then back to blue. Or wait, maybe it was green, blue, red. No, actually, it's red, blue...
Officer Walton: Yep, we get it. What happened next?
Colton Pickins: I suddenly got real dizzy, and I dropped the trash bag I was carrying. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground. ..I don't even remember falling. I looked up, and that's when... that's when I saw it.
Officer Walton: "It?" Can you be more specific?
Colton Pickins: It was a man, but it also wasn't a man. It had gray skin and these huge black eyes. And, it was wearing like a spacesuit or something. What was really weird was that it wasn't saying anything, but I could hear it anyway. In my mind. It told me to follow it onto its spaceship.
Officer Walton: *Officer Walton sighs* "The Flatwoods Monster," again? All right, I've heard enough. Colton Pickins, I'm arresting you for drunk and disorderly conduct and indecent exposure.
Colton Pickins: Indecent what? What are you talking about? I didn't do anything wrong!
Officer Walton: Colton, we found you on the rood of your shack, buck naked, yelling at the top of your lungs. Your blood alcohol was .23 and it took four deputies to get you into handcuffs. We all go on a bender now and then, but you need to keep it at home.
Colton Pickins: What? No! Come on! You have to believe me. The monster MADE me drunk, it... it was experimenting on me! Controlling my mind! When are you people going to do something about the Flatwoods Monster?! It needs to be killed!
Officer Walton: I've had enough. Just get him out of here. This is Deputy D.B. Walton. Interview terminated.